brain dump

most days it feels like melodies are soaring out of my sporadic neurons, and rays of light are fighting for attention in my mind. they cant see the world inside me, but i feel the entire cosmos dripping out of each careful word i utter about my visions for the future. i have been feeling like closing my eyes and traveling in my subconscious is more desirable than actually living life through this temporary body of mine. it makes me feel crazy that the energies im feeling are euphonious to my eardrums, a rhythm only perceptible to my nerves. it feels isolating, like i have one hand pulling me to earth and another trying to pull me into the clouds. and I want to take that path, jump headfirst into the mystical realms of the universe and galaxies around me. but im bound by my body, and I hate feeling like that. first it was my brain that I had begun to despise, and now my temporal body was the source of my agony. though I havent completely given up on this planet, i’ve been keeping tracking of the numbered worldly outlets that carry the potential of my energetical expression. but why am I so far from these places, they are a world away. and how do I remain satisfied with these playgrounds of peace when my soul is telling me that I am meant for higher places. its getting confusing because now the line between my religion and spirituality is blurring. what is my soul saying and is it aligned with my book? for a while I had thought my spirtuality and my religion were a pair of siamese twins, bodied by the same purpose but diverging into individual manifestations of practice. but now, I find myself dipping my body deeper into the depths of my spirituality. it feels like Im selflessly indulging in my human condition without any regard for any other being. ive never paid this much attention to myself before. and it feels wrong, like that pang in your chest that you mistake for a heart attack. the guilt eats at me if I let it, am I abandoning my religion? am I becoming disconnected from reality? am I wasting my time on a phenomenon that doesn’t exist? am I therapy talking myself out of having any close relationships? this spiritual awakening of mine is an unraveling scroll of secrets that fails to warn me of what im losing until it happens. and then I cry. and then I scream, pull my hair, hit my face, slam the door with the false pretense that everything that scares me is locked on the other side. nothing works though. because energy is a spacial concept. it follows you everywhere you go, whether you know it or not. and my vibrational frequencies are renewing, creating a new atmospherical shield around my existence that filters out anything that doesn’t serve my highest self. so why am I complaining right? doesn’t everyone just wish for that dream life, the perfect fairy godmother moment where everything snaps into place? yeah I wished for that. I know it too. but this isn’t a movie, and what I wished for came true but screwed me up in the process. it is said that there’s beauty in the suffering, that the renewal of the self only comes through agonizing contemplation of life and death. and I can attest that is quite accurate. I wish it was immediate, like a snap of the finger, a clap of the hands, a stomp of the foot. instead its the suicide attempts, sudden smiles, endless hopelessness, ecstatic insomnia, intense loneliness, budding self love, and heightened senses of the spirit and soul. i am aching for some consistency, some sense of normalcy that I can rely on to find my balance. yes thats what it is, ive been wobbling on a wooden plank, teetering over the abyss of murky yet pristinely magnificent ocean of all my quantum possibilities. one drunken move and I might plunge head-first into a path that doesn’t fulfill my potential. im scared im going to mess up the chance of a lifetime. you see a spiritual awakening only comes around once, and that’s if you're lucky. the chance of my deepest desires being brought to fruition are hanging by the thread of my free will, of which has been compromised by my cognitive dysfunctioning (my mental illness blah blah I have bipolar) I hate having all of these identity markers, simply for the understanding of the broader society of low functioning individuals. like do I have to explain Im a spiritual open minded cisgender south asian muslim girl with bipolar disorder everytime I want sometime to understand the complexity of my existence? and its because most people cant access their higher consciousness so im stuck compensating for their lack there of. I wonder if that is why I was chosen to undergo the uprooting of my soul? as an aquarius, I think about that a lot. well because of the distinguishing hero complex written in my stars. but im making mends with that part of my character, because ive realized the ego clashes quite impressively with a spiritual awakening. two rivaling paradigms not meant to be mixed so instead i melt the ego into my emulsified concoction of amour-de-soi and amour-propre for an easier combine; French phrases representing varying sources of self love. properties of the self concept derived from distinct parties; the former being produced by our external perception and relations with others while the latter being entirely formed by the self completed enamored with itself.

you’ll notice the ego works symbiotically with amour-propre, as a hungry yeast that ferments only with bacterial strains of praise. it can’t be nourished the same by amour-de-soi because how can an energy hungry ego run on the simple fuel of radical self love?

maybe that’s why people who are so pleased with themselves look like they are floating amongst the clouds. each step taken in effortless synchronicity with gravity, their amour-de-soi practically seeping through the skin, leaving their face with a permanent radiant glow. yet those of us who fervently seek the approval of others are filled with a bottomless propane tank waiting for its next refill, our smiles fading until receiving another next round of external adoration.

i think im still somewhere smack dab in the center of this, oscillating back and forth at the hands of my evolving ego. i genuinely wish i could erase the marks of my ego entirely, but i wonder then what would remain of me? isn’t the defining factor of our humanness the existence of an omnipresent ego? our desire to be lionized and lauded is what separates us from the divinity of angels right? i can’t lose my ego without fear of dissolving into nothingness. returning a